And I Miss You When You're Gone...

Monday, 15th of January, 2018 holds sad news. The lead singer of The Cranberries has died.

I’m listening to a steady stream of one of my favorite bands via Deezer, with sadness on my heart. Dolores O’Riordan sang me through my adolescence and each of her songs are dear to me. May she Rest In Peace.

As I listen to these songs that I know within my heart, I realize how much her lyrics spoke to me 27 years ago and still do today. Her lyrics express my soul and the band’s music beats the blood to my heart. Why did I stop listening to her, to the band...to music? When did I lose my passion so deeply that I lost the happiness music can bring? I had it not long ago... I am sad I did not continue to continue to attend concerts/watch bands. I used to see a show almost every weekend. And I loved it. In the moment, I never thought about that ending. But life changes and the best of intentions get off track and lost. I weep for what I have lost. I hold onto the memories and they slip through my fingers.

I had recently already realized my loss of passion for creating things—journaling, poetry, creating art, painting, making Christmas cards, everything. (Well, I have been cooking and creating tasty dishes in the kitchen at least.) The joy in creating is still there, but I’ve somehow lost the desire to dive in with my whole self—to lose myself in the beauty of it all. I want that back. I deeply miss the freedom it brings to my soul.

I must get that back. Living a creative-less, and therefore dull, life is literally killing me. Killing my soul and stealing life from me. I am lost. So lost and lonely.

My happiness potential fights and claws it’s way to the surface of my consciousness. Sleepless nights and ridiculous drunken states reflect my inner struggle. My wings are tied down and I cannot fly to the sun. My light is flickering and fading. Tears on the brink of flooding, heart beats flutter in warning, nails torn to the painful quick—how many signs of struggle will I feel every day until I find the strength to fight for my self, my soul, my life?

There’s a reason for the timing of things. Not to say I’m so important to cause the wind to ripple across the world from the beat of my wings. But signs are not wasted on me. I see them clearly. I welcome them fully. I will follow them as well as I have the ability to. Reconnecting to this music, these feelings, my memories, is important. It has brought back a piece of me I had lost. And today, a part of me has been found.